Monday, December 31, 2007

Here I come 2008!

I know, I know. I have been MIA for a week…..or so. Well I needed some downtime to just get through the gong show named Christmas. Now that I am at the end of that tunnel I get to celebrate a fresh start, a new year. Tonight at the stroke of 12 I will be so damned happy, I could kiss everyone around me. I just home 2008 doesn’t let me down, I have high hopes for her.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Another great story about my Dad, because there are so many.

I am having a wonderful relaxing evening all to myself last night, when my phone rings. It is Dad, giggling like a little school girl. A salesman called trying to peddle Primus the phone company, Dad likes to play around with the annoying sales men that call all the time, so he regaled me with this story:

The guy (and of course they all have a heavy accent and it’s hard to understand them) tells him he is calling to save Dad money. He then asks if Dad makes local, long distance or overseas phone calls. My father says “umm overseas I guess”, so the guy then asks where he phones to, and Dad says “Antarctica” without missing a beat. The guy then asks him to spell it for him, so he does.

He then says “Just one moment please Mr. Mike” and puts him on hold for a moment. The salesman comes back on and asks him where in Antarctica does he call, so Dad comes up with “Sharps Corner”, the guy again says “just one moment please Mr. Mike” and puts him on hold. He comes back and asks Dad to spell that for him, so Dad spells out Sharps Mountain instead. The man is a bit confused and then for the final time said “just one moment again please Mr. Mike”. By this time my Dad was bouncing around the dining room in from of my Mom who was wrapping Christmas gifts, he was giggling so much he couldn’t do it anymore, and had to hang up the phone.

Immediately after he hung up the phone, before he could even gather his composure he had to call someone to tell the tale to, and lucky me, he dialed my number.

It’s just another day….

I figure he will be pulling practical jokes when he's a 90 yr old man in a retirement home....I can just see it now, I will be getting phone calls from the home saying that others are complaining about his wacky sense of humour, that or from him - giggling his head off that he put a whoopee cushion under some 85 year old ladies chair.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Safety Alert!

I am a freak for H2O, it is all I drink, serious. I love to cart my water around with me in my many different coloured Nalgene water bottles. A co-worker has now informed me that these bottles are not safe! I am so upset over this, for the past 3 to 4 years that is all I have ever carried my water in, they are light weight, colourful and do not leak, even if you let the bottle roll around on the floor of your vehicle (as one of my bottles has done for the past 2 days). I decided to look into this story and the news I found was shocking, as of today I now ban my beautiful Nalgene bottles out of my life…sniff.

Here are a few tid-bits I do want to share, because I have a deep feeling that some of this is related to my past year.

“For years, hikers, bikers, campers, and other outdoor recreationalists have favored wide-mouthed water bottles made from Lexan® polycarbonate plastic, like those sold under the brand name Nalgene®. Lexan‚s advantages have been as clear as the water that flows from containers made from it. It‚s tough, lightweight, absorbs no flavors, and imparts no unpleasant tastes to liquids stored inside. According to new research, it may, however, be imparting unhealthy doses of a chemical called bisphenol-A.
According to several recent studies, polycarbonate plastic readily leaches a chemical called bisphenol-A (BPA) into foods and liquids that are stored in containers made from it. BPA has been identified as an endocrine disrupting chemical, or a chemical that easily mimics hormones when absorbed by the human body. In the case of BPA, the hormone being mimicked is estrogen. Exposure to this compound at the wrong time can cause a cell division problem called aneuploidy in which chromosomes do not evenly split as a cell divides, leaving the two resulting cells with more or fewer chromosomes than normal. This uneven distribution of genetic material can in turn lead to cancer, miscarriage, and birth defects that include Down‚s Syndrome.
Unfortunately, polycarbonate plastic bottles and containers are identified by the plastic recycling symbol #7, which is used for a wide variety of plastics and plastic mixtures that fall into the "Other category. Unless this #7 symbol is accompanied by the letters "PC, there‚s no sure way to tell if the container in question is made from polycarbonate or some other kind. To be safe, environmental advocates suggest simply avoiding #7 plastics altogether and opting for safer choices for food and beverage storage.”

They are really pushing for people to use metal water bottles, and bottles that have a ceramic lining. I know for sure that my Nalgene bottles are being retired until I know more.
There is my safety bulletin for the year.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Just a Deposit?

I have been using up my vacation and flex days, as well as hours that I have build up from when I was being driven to work an hour early for the entire summer. I have not worked a full week in over a month. You can bet your boots that I hate the thought of actually working a full week in the New Year. I am trying in vain to come up with some way of getting out of work for at least one day a week, or more. The only thing I can think of is having a baby, ya well that isn’t happening fast.

I wonder why for the beginning of our adult lives we try our darndest not to get knocked up, and then when we decide we want to it is the hardest thing to do. It should be as easy as saying “Yep, I’m gonna have a baby now”. Everything else seems to be that easy, only you need money for everything else in the world, so why not have a deposit box somewhere where anyone who wants to have a family can just go make a deposit of say $100 (cause we all know how crazy expensive kids are), and then go home and wait one month and be on your way. This way you are also guaranteed that there will be no “recalls” better known as miscarriages, and if you pay the extra insurance you will be covered if your baby is sick in any way. Doesn’t it sound like a good idea? I think so.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

A Billion Pounds

Tis the season to gain a billion pounds, and I am so not exaggerating, I promise.

In my place of employment around Christmas time we get amazing meat trays, heavenly assorted baskets, beautiful nut trays and other lovely goodies. The sit on the counter that is, oh we will say four feet away from me. The only exercise I get in a day is getting my butt out of my chair to walk to the counter to eat something, anything that is on the counter. Then we have office potlucks and catered lunches, oh when will it end.

This year is crazy outside of work as well. My grandparents are going to be out of town for Christmas, so we have to have this big turkey supper before they leave. After that we have a birthday party on Tuesday, nothing on Wednesday thank the lord (because I have one of the divine potlucks that day). On Thursday we have a catered lunch at work, and then an engagement supper for my cousin that evening. Friday I have another fantastic potluck at work, and so far nothing in the evening, but it is still early.

So see I am totally not exaggerating that I will most likely gain a billion pounds.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

This is all I have to say today….

I have this by my desk; I look at it longingly when I can’t wait for the weekend. Usually first thing Monday morning to be totally honest with you, oh and that is what I look like on Monday mornings. It’s a really good thing I don’t work in a fancy shmancy office…..I just work in an office.

No I do like my job, but I also love the weekends more. I also have on my desk a lovely quote….it goes “I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch”. I mean come on who doesn’t agree with that? It’s just funny to me really, who would rather be at work than at home? Well ok, some of you workaholic freaky people, not some of us “normal” folks.

I also quite enjoy the quote I have on the front of my desk. “I am really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.” Which is really funny to me as well, because I am the only woman in an office of over 20 people, so of course it is only fitting….don’t you think?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Hey 2007! Dont let the door hit you on the way out!

Most kids, no ok, ALL kids count down to December 25th; Santa comes shimmying down the chimney, furnace pipe or what have you. I am counting down the days to January 1st; I cannot wait until the stroke of 12 on December 31st. Oh it cannot come soon enough!

Sorry for the mini-pity party here, but I decided to start a “screw 2007 club”. I actually have a few members already; all we do really is count down the days and try to forget the year that is almost completely behind us. What a downer this post is!

I will lighten it up for you…yep my tailbone still hurts! I have to get up and sit down like a pregnant lady would. It is sort of funny, but damn it is so NOT funny. We went to town today to do some “finish up” Christmas shopping (which we are still not done). I was walking around like a little old lady for a good part of the day. So I now know what I will look like when I am walking around when I am 85 and wrinkly.

So lift a big box of Heineken with me and toast the end of 2007!

Sunday, December 9, 2007


YAY, I am totally done the Christmas Party! Ok, well not completely done, now I have to make sure bills are paid and that kind of stuff. Other than that though I am done, and I am officially of the committee. Anyone want to celebrate with me?

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Stairs are not for sliding!

My ass hurts; ok, so not my ass itself, my tailbone is what hurts. You know that when you crack or horribly bruise your tailbone, sitting, standing, lying down; it all insanely hurts!

I got up this morning around 9:00, and started to head down the stairs, I only made it to the first step, and then I rode on my tail bone all the way down the stairs. Where I laid for about 10 minutes screaming and crying, mostly from the shock at first; and then from the pain. You know what really sucked, I was home alone. No one to come running, no one to worry over me; well I had our dogs, they both ran to my side and looked at me with love in their eyes (well that is what I will say anyway).

I finally got myself up, still crying and immediately located a phone and called Oscar; because of course you need someone to feel sorry for you when things like this happen. Heaven knows he calls me when he hurts himself, and then makes me look at it every day for a month.

I then decided to do nothing all day, because to do anything hurt like hell. So I laid in bed for a good portion of the day, that hurt to but it still felt better. There is really nothing on TV on a Saturday; you really have to scour the guide to find anything worth watching. I watched a show about the Sphinx, and then I think I watched some How its Made, and then I watched some What Not to Wear, holy crap there are some nasty clothes in the world, and some moronic people who love to wear them. I love love love Stacy and Clinton, they are funny AND well dressed. Ok so there were some shows I like to watch on the old boob tube.

I wonder how I will feel in the next few days, very sore I am guessing.

I would love to have some extra sympathy if you have any to give…..

Tuesday, December 4, 2007


I would just like to put a little post on here cause I am so excited! One of my favorite little cousins (ok he's not so little really, but he's younger than me so it counts!) proposed to his long time girlfriend last night! We love her! I couldnt have picked him a better one I tell ya!

She went to Australia for a month with her sister just to tour around, and he went with her parents to pick the girls up at the airport lastnight. His original plan was to propose as soon as she got off the plane, but her flight was delayed something like two hours, so he waited until they all got back to her parents hotel room.

Oscar and I have known since last week so it has been killing me waiting! Yah!
K, you are a very lucky man, she has put up with your gooberness, and she is a sweety, and she will put up with your dweebyness for the rest of her life, God bless her.

25th Anniversary!

Today is my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary; it is a huge milestone these days. So I would like to take this time to tell my Mom and Dad to give themselves a big ole pat on the back. There ya go, that is your gift from me to you; Simple yet meaningful.

Now I am going to attempt to get my hands on a picture of my parents wedding to share with everyone. Oh you bet your boots it is an amazing picture; Mom with her fantabulous glasses that cover half of her face, you know those nice big ones that were the most amazing style back in the late 70’s early 80’s. She looks about 17 in the picture as well, but I guess it isn’t that far off her age, she was 20. Now we move on to my Dad, he makes the whole picture, it wouldn’t be what it is without his powder blue tux; you read that right, powder blue. If you need anymore help visualizing this, it is pretty much identical to Harry’s beautiful tux (Dumb and Dumber for those of you that need it spelt out).

So to celebrate this astonishing occasion, Oscar and I are making a lovely steak supper for Mom and Dad this evening, and then promptly kicking them out the door.

Happy 25th Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Monday, December 3, 2007

The yearly Christmas Party

So this past weekend we were in the big city for the "big" company Christmas party. I have to tell you, its quite a "to do". We have to get all dressed up, sit in the fancy shmancy ballroom at a big ritzy hotel, and eat the four course meal that is all delivered right to your spot. Who doesnt enjoy feeling like a royal for an evening; I know I like it.

The part that we have to endure though is our North Americal Vice President do a little speech, then we get to listen to the big kahuna do a little song and dance (not literally, although I think it would be funny). After that, we finally get to eat, Oscar and I ended up sitting at the same table as my boss (cause ya, its not like I dont see him enough as it is). His wife is a very funny and quirky kind of individual, and she was very hungry on Saturday evening. She ate her entire salad while we had to listen to the speechs, she then ate the salad from a vacant spot at the table, as well as a few buns; No big deal, I really dont care, the woman was hungry!

So finally the rest of us dive into our salads, and as I'm sure you all know, eating a fancy four course meal is a long drawn out process. So they finally bring us our soup, which was tasty but I didnt eat all of mine (and I think she - the bosses wife, was thinking I was crazy for not slurping the entire bowl down), then we get into the good stuff; turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies, stuffing, etc. I ate a slice of my turkey and all my mashed potatoes, and Oscar ate my second slice of turkey. We are all sitting just letting the meal settle, when she - the bosses wife, grabs her fork and says "oh your not eating your baby potatoes?" I said "....uh, no I'm full" so she proceeded to eat my little potatoes, and then my steamed carrots and I dont remember what else, oh I know she picked at my stuffing as well. I do believe she pretty much cleaned my plate off actually. I said go ahead, but it was kind of weird dont you think? I have met her many times before and think she is a nice person, but umm she was eating off my plate.

I just think it is wildly funny, in fact I think it was the highlight of my entire weekend. That and realizing that our dear friend Stacy that has moved away, but we got to see on the weekend....well I didnt, because we discovered that he is running for mayor. No not for real, but he might as well, it is his new name, "the mayor".

Now I am trying to tie up all the loose ends for the local company party that you have all read about, I cannot wait until this next weekend is over.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

I feel so blaaaa

So I have been sick for over a week now, I love it. I love the fact that I have used up three full boxes of Kleenexes in 9 days. I also love that I get to cough and do the whole phlegm thing. Oscar gave this cold to me, and he is well on his way to recovery and I am still wallowing in the fun of little to no sleep and no appetite. Insert here that I love food.

I cannot function if I have a stuffy nose, I feel claustrophobic if even one nostril is full, or even if I have one little boogy in my nose on a normal day, I cant handle it. So I have been having fun going to bed at night, I get my nose almost clear enough to go to sleep; and then one nostril fills up. So for the rest of the night I find myself rolling from side to side just so that I can alternate nostrils (you know so that one side doesn't get to dry and the throat doesn't get really sore as well).

By 3:00 I have been waking up unable to breath; my husband lives with a permanently stuffy nose, because he is allergic to everything on the planet, so he is going through life without using his nose. I however do not know how to breath through my mouth, I have never let myself do it. I think I have a fear of inhaling something odd like a balled up Kleenex next to my head and dying in my sleep because of a snotty Kleenex.

I just wanted to share my misery with everyone, it makes me feel better.....only until the next stop on the Blow My Nose Highway.

How much are stocks in Kleenex?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Is it January yet?

Warning: The following post is a downer...

I want to rebel against the colossal monster named Christmas. I am not in the mood for Christmas this year, my crap happy 2007 has turned me off everything fake and jolly. In my opinion Christmas should be about chillaxin at home with your hubby and kids (if you have em) and not rushing around to make others happy, from whoville to youville and back again. Open gifts here, open them there, wrap em back up and do it again!

Then its time to heave your haul out the door and head off to get ready at your own little dwelling. Back around the circle, only this time to chow, and slap on the smiles and dig up the joy. This year I dont have it in me, I want to stay in bed, I dont want money spent on gifts and galore. I dont mind spending my loot on others, I like to see genuine smiles when they get what they want. It's all too much. The fuss, the food, the presents, the ornaments, the special table cloths, the chocolates, the stuffing, the drinking, the talking, the singing, the family spats, the dilemma about what to do with unsightly gifts. My husband doesnt get it, I just dont want the tree, the decorations are still doing their thing in the box in the dark under the stairs. Cant I just have this one Christmas off, so I dont have to fake it, and I can be happy?

Him and the others can do what they please, and know that I'm happy all snuggly and warm rolled up in my bed hanging out with the nearest bear. Just make sure I get a small plate of turkey and mashed potatoes, I can forget all the rest.
I guess this year you can call me the Grinch.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The greatest first dance

I got this great e-mail yesterday from a co-worker that is planning her wedding for this spring. She wants to try this at her wedding, and I honestly can’t believe I didn’t think of it for my own wedding.

What I am talking about ladies and gentlemen is the first dance. Yes we did the first dance, or what we like to call it; the first walk around the floor to a song with dumb smiles plastered on our faces. My lovely co-worker is also doing a first dance as well; I really don’t know anyone that doesn’t do a first dance.

This e-mail was a video from some wedding, somewhere; and I have to tell you the bride and groom obviously have one hell of a sense of humour! They start the dance out all nice and normal, mooshy even, when all of a sudden the music stops with the scratchy sound of a record; and as the bride and groom are making faces like "What the hell??" the music starts again, only this time it is Sir-Mix-A lots – Big Butts. What ensues is people laughing hysterically and the couple doing an "interpretive dance" along to the song. I love it! I laughed and laughed.
I did however have to break it to my lovely co-worker that there was no way on the face of this planet that she would be able to do that dance in the wedding dress that she has purchased. (Picture Cinderella times 2…) I’m not making it up, she has told me all about it, and I am very certain that it will be a beautiful dress; there is just no way that she would be able to pull that one off, well other than falling on her face, which is the way she pictured it going down if she even attempted it.

Ahhh, time to forward that awesome e-mail onto another friend that is getting married in the spring….lets see if she will do it!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

The tornado

Every weekend I put my heart and soul into cleaning my house, and by the next weekend it looks like a category 5 has ripped though it. I love a clean house, but my dear husband and I are not that good at keeping it that way throughout the week. I come home every day after work drop my stuff and make supper, I then eat supper and do a little work out or just watch a little television; take a bath and go to bed. I have no want to clean the house after work. By the weekend though the place is discusting and I get mad at us. PIGS!

A little 411 on the habits we have that I hate:

I am bad for not using the clothes hamper, I pile the dirty and not dirty on the floor of our bathroom in two neat little (ok big) piles. I also like to pile stuff on the floor of our laundry room (which everyone can see as soon as they walk in the door).

Oscar loves to undress when he comes in the door and leave his work close anywhere on the kitchen floor. He is a paper horder, you usually cant see one portion of our kitchen counter for all of the mail and paper he likes to pile there; as well as the computer desk and any other clear space he can find, like right now the floor next to the computer desk looks like it is becoming a clear favorite. I am not sure if he know what the dishwasher is for (no I know he does, he just never cares to check and see if its clean or dirty) therefore his dirty dishes pile up on the counter and sink, oh and right now the living room surfaces as well.

I know, I know I have a bigger list on Oscar, and I really could keep going, but I wont, because I'm pretty sure he has a list of things on me, yes perfect little old me but I dont know it and I dont care!

So all of the things listed above is all the crapola that I get to work on today, and tomorrow, and the next day. Wish me luck, I may never come back!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

My tramatic childhood...or not

So one of the other blogs that I read (Amy Lawson) was reminiscing about wacked out strange, and possibly scarring childhood memories, which got me to thinking back to my little girl years; and yes I do have a few memories that I feel like sharing today.

So I will start out with the time that my Dad decided to watch the movie The Fly, and had me sit on the couch with him and watch it too, only when there were scary parts Dad would tell me to cover my face with a pillow. I do honestly remember this very vividly and I bring it up every chance I can, to remind my dear Dad how wonderful his parenting skills were.

Oh and what about the time we were at the zoo, I think it was out in Hamilton, the location part is a bit fuzzy but that it not the point of the story. The real point of this story is the fact that good old Dad took me in to see the goats. It seems harmless, I mean its just little goats, but a damned goat stole my shoe while dad was holding me on his knee. I was none to pleased about it, in fact even today I have a fear of someone or something running off with my shoes.
Please feel free to share some moments that will forever stick with you from your childhood; like my Mom, who was tramatized because she tried to fit into her doll house and got stuck.....

Monday, November 19, 2007

Food Colouring

So there is this friend of ours, he is 40 and single and likes to have a good time at any given chance. Now another friend of ours moved in with him, and they are just room-mates. I will now give these people fake names to protect their identity; we will call him George and her Mary.

Now George like I said loves to have a good time, even if it is something as small as pulling small pranks (and this is why I get along with him so well). Now he is hatching what he thinks is a wonderful plan on how to scare the living crayola out of Mary. George goes into the local grocery store and comes out with 3 bottles of red food colouring, he jumps into his work truck and the guy riding with him says “what do you need that much food colouring for?” To which George replies “I’m going to put it all over my face, then hide behind Mary’s door and jump out and scare her.”

I will give you a moment to gather your thoughts…..

Now the guy riding with George is a married guy with kids, so he knows a thing or two about food colouring, and he immediately says to George, “That stuff doesn’t come off, it stains.” And as he is saying it he realizes it would have been much better if he had kept his mouth shut and enjoyed the view of George with a bright red face for weeks to come.

The other guy we will call Ryan, now realizes that he owes it to the world to share the story since he stopped George from actually playing a trick on himself rather than on Mary.
So I heard this story a few hours ago and I am still giggling to myself. I had to share the story with my favourite fellow practical joker (Dad) and he loved it, he said he would have censored himself immediately and told George it was a great idea, all the while knowing that George would need a skin graft to remove the dye.

Anyone hear the children’s story about the never come off until your dead and maybe even later markers?

Ahh this story is going to delight me for days.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Christmas Maddness

Sewing, I really enjoy it, especially when there is really no pattern and I can sew scraps of whatever together to create gifts that people say they love but then stuff at the back of a closet. No matter to me, I believe it is the thought that counts.

What I’m getting at is the fact that for Christmas some of the lucky people in my life are getting special gifts, right from my heart. So they should not get their hopes up for beautiful gifts; like diamond earrings or Himalayan cat fur lined mittens or that latest doodad that guarantees you will loose weight by the time you manage to figure out where the belts go and get your head out of the hole that is actually for your left leg, and by then you should have a pretty good sweat on and lost all interest in the contraption that your sister saw on the shopping network and just knew you had to have.

Instead they will get pretty pillows and quaint quilts, so long as I don’t run out of fabric. I disappear to my “sewing room” every night when I get home from work to do a little bit more to each project. I am proud of myself that I am slowly chipping away at it instead of staying awake for a marathon sewing weekend like I have been known to do. However it is the weekend so I can’t promise anything.

Next on my list of things I love to do to myself around this time of year is bake cookies, and I mean bake cookies my friends. I bake until I can’t bake anymore, and until I want to puke because I have sampled all of the dough and then all of the cookies as they come out of the oven. I am not one of the people who put on the holiday weight at Christmas; I put on my winter insulation at the end of November. Why do I bake so many cookies you ask? Because I have come to learn that grandparents prefer good old home baking for gifts rather than some shiny thinger majig that they have no idea what it is or what it is for. Instead they like cookies that they can eat at coffee time two times a day. I have 4 sets of grandparents to make cookies for, and then some of them I have to stick in the mail. I cant even up and just decide to quit the baking, because I am pretty darned sure that the grandparents will revolt against me. I am ok with it though I would rather bake cookies than try to find something to buy them. I am what you would call a “Suzy home maker” but I don’t exactly like to clean the mess…..

So I have a few people on the Christmas shopping list that I am completely and utterly stumped about what to get them for Christmas. One is Oscar’s sister, she is very pregnant at this point and I don’t really want to get her clothes; usually she is so easy to shop for, her and I like the same things and see an item and just know that we will like it. I guess I just need to think really hard, I want to make it a good gift. The other person on the list is her husband, he is always rather hard to shop for and I am completely at a loss right now. Maybe I will have to crochet him a nice toque; however crocheting is not something I am very good at.

Oh, I just thought of what I would love to get Rach for her Christmas present, but I cant tell, I would have to kill you.

Friday, November 16, 2007

List master

I have an obsession with making check lists; lists of all kinds and I cant just compile a list in my head like others do, I write every single list down on scraps of paper. I will make a list just so I know what I will do on a Saturday.

clean bathroom
make cookies and eat them all
Vacuum up the crumbs
Have a nap
take a bath

Or lists in my day timer at work

1. print work orders
2. hide under my desk
3. lock myself in the bathroom for an hour
4. glare at at least 3 people today

I think these kind of lists are normal sort of lists, but I make other kinds of lists too. Like what kinds of chocolate I plan on eating this week.

Monday – Snickers
Tuesday – Kit Kat
Wednesday – Skor
Thursday – Milky Way
Friday – crushed up chocolate in heaping bowl of ice cream

I make lists about the gifts I will give for Christmas; here is my rough draft for this year:

Mom – pack of socks
Dad – pad of post its
Kelsey – 3 loaves of bread
Oscar – big fat 0
Oscars Mom – frying pan (and seriously she asks for one every year)
Oscars Dad – bottle of ketchup

The list goes on but I am just brainstorming at this point.

I even make a list when I go to town of what places I want to go; of course everyone makes a grocery list. I have that one tucked safely in my pocket, but I also have a list that says things like:
Mall :
New shirt
Orange Julius
Congratulations card for Aunt Lorna’s wart removal

Tim Hortons:
Ice Capp
BLT on brown

Drug store:
Hair removal cream
Milk of magnesia
Eye liner
rubber gloves

You see where I am going with this? I have a horrible memory, I have to write it all down or I miss half of my stuff. I ask Oscar to remember to pick me up things and it’s a little sketchy, sometime I get everything, sometimes I get nothing and he hauls bags and bags of goodies for himself into the house. Or there is my Dad, who would be given a list of three, three simple items to remember; well he was usually good at bringing home three things, but most of the time only one of the items would be correct. At least he knew he needed three things.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Things have been rough

I have been MIA for a while, to make a long story short; (a lot of) work sucks, and stressing me out. There for I have been way down in the land where we hold pity parties. Lots of things swirling around my head, and my dear husband decided to whisk me away to Montana for the weekend.
It is so funny, because in one way we (Canadians) are a lot like our neighbors, but in so many ways we are not.

Their money looks like play money (which I already knew but I wanted to mention that point).

Another thing I knew before, and really makes no sense to me is that they do not have Iced Tea….you know plain old iced tea, like the yummy Nestea or any other brand for that matter. When we went out for supper they did have Nestea raspberry iced tea. It is weird to me, makes no sense.

Their McNugget sweet and sour dipping sauce is different, in a subtle way, that only a McNugget connoisseur like myself would notice. Not that it was gross it was just different.

Another thing that I already know but is hilarious to me is the fact that to us it is pop, to them it is soda, and you can confuse some of them very easily if you ask for a pop.

They worship their Starbucks like we worship our Tim Hortons, and the entire time I was there I wanted a sweet sweet iced cap. I had to do with a peppermint white chocolate mocha. See here at home we can go with a double double, or a black, or a simple mocha or anything that sounds simple. Oh and we order in small, medium, large and extra large. They have to do it all out and have the grande and I don’t know the others cause that is the only size I order when I go to starbucks.

Those are just a few things I noticed on the weekend to Montana.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I would like thank the academy

I would like to take a moment to thank all of my friends and family for sending me all the forwarded e-mails over the year(s).

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel on every envelope that needs sealing. I now also have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, some of them very hot men with angel wings attached, others cutesy little cartoon angels.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a bag of garbage that has been sitting out on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes; otherwise I will be bound to hell for 6 years.

Because of my loving friends concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the Jeep so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. Heaven forbid I fill my vehicle up in the dark, the boogie man bay snatch me.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me (no matter though I have no money left, cause I gave it to that forever dying girl).

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my behind.

And thanks to my Aunts great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

One more; thanks to my Mom today, and about five other friends in the past few years who have sent me the warning about a gang game coming across Canada. This is about the third time this “initiation game” that they play on the highways late at night has made it to our province. Just so you all know I will now drive everywhere with only my high beams on, sorry everyone!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

The wheels on the bus go round and round....

I am sure everyone out there has a commercial at one time or another that drives them to the edge. To the edge of throwing something through the t.v. that is.

Right now I happen to have one of those commercials, it makes me insane, I want to rip my hair out, scream, run around the house and pee my pants. The commercial we are talking about right now is some damned Volvo thing.

Ok, we need a bit of back history first; when I was younger (like all people I know), you know the cute kid with pig tails (me not any of you). Most people have a childhood rhyme or song or something that they hated then and they hate now. Well for me it is the “wheels on the bus” song. This god forsaken commercial uses that song!

The commercial itself isn’t all bad, its got a guy and a girl driving their beloved Volvo all over hells half acre up and down hills for no apparent reason; picking up people/hitch hikers they may or may not know, who happen to be standing in the middle of nowhere with all the gear they need to do an activity of some kind. They go down a hill, then up a hill here there and everywhere. Well they felt the need to use the “wheels on the bus” song and just conveniently plug in some of the things they are trying to show off about this car.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I need some sort of restraints put on me; this or I am going to write a hate letter to Volvo. Hey that sounds like a great idea, anyone have their address?

Friday, November 2, 2007

How to tell it is Friday

I work at the same company as my dad, so we both ended up on the coveted Christmas Party committee. I am of course lying to you it is not a coveted committee, in fact it is the insufferable committee.

I e-mailed the group to see how their “assigned jobs” jobs have been going. You know men, I am the only woman on the committee, therefore I must hand out assignments and checks up to assure things are getting done.

I wanted to share with you the wackiness of my Dad, especially on a Friday. Read below our very interesting correspondence.

Hi guys, I am just wondering how everything is coming along with the jobs that everyone has, this is just a reminder so that you look at your items! Please let me know how things are going.

Dad writes back:

I have no idea what I am going to do.

So I let him know,

Old age?? Your games for curling…you and I are to come up with door prizes.

He decided to let his true self shine through this morning:

Windsor Plywood has a good selection of doors, but I think Totem is cheaper by a longshot. Are we giving away solid doors or foam core doors.

What? I thought to myself as I read it:

You are such a dork…however I am laughing at my desk and people are looking at me like I have just lost it.

That didn’t phase him one bit he pushed ahead:

Why is everyone laughing. I don’t get it. Anyhow, are we going to throw in the Satin Brass or Shiny Brass locksets with the doors. This will make the door prizes much more attractive than just a plain door with a lockset hole drilled in it. Hmm, could also throw in brass plated hinges.

What do I say to that? I decided to play along.

No no-one likes brass these days…everyone likes the silver. Oh and it has to be a fancy handle.

Now he begins to get really whacko:

I just got to thinking. Brass thingy doo's may be beyond the scope of our budget. Could I suggest maybe them little door knocker whatchacallum's. You can get them cheaply at Doors N Things down in Ascratch ,Saskabush.

It was too funny I couldn’t respond, I left it at that. I also know that my Dad was sitting at his desk giggling to himself.

Happy Friday!

I cant get my picture to load, but I promise there will be a good one when I get it to work.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


My boss was away today, and made the mistake of leaving an entire box of mini chocolate bars on the counter as a Halloween treat. No I don’t work in a day care; some days I swear I do but I really don’t. Add a lovely box of Tim Hortons doughnuts to the mix and you have one sugar high kinda day.

Those of us that were in the office today really didn’t seem to get a lot done other than eat and giggle. I kid you not, for sure there were three of us, and we are not 18 year olds; I am in fact the youngest one in the office, but any given day (especially the days without the boss we are all about 18). Ok so we maybe got a little bit of work done today, but not very much. Actually at about 11:00 this morning I began counting down the minutes until the end of the day. It was rather interesting and no one could understand what I was doing, all I knew was that I had come up with an ingenious way to make the day go very slow and to annoy my co-workers.

Adults on a choco-sugar high are rather funny, it’s really a good ole fashion “fix”. Everyone giggles and rolls their eyes into the back of their head, well not everyone but I’m pretty sure the big T* did. Thank the heavens that we have a corporate version of messenger, this way co-workers can fool around without getting caught. I can type away (as I did today) to others in the office, and it actually looks like I am working away, toiling away, putting in a good honest days work. HAHAHA not!

I actually think that I am still on a sugar high, I only ate 3 chocolate bars and a muffin, but then we got a A&W treat as well (thanks to big T), so I think I now weigh in at 125 pounds (not good). The Arnold and Walter was pretty funny actually Topher* managed to pack ‘er away without making a single noise, not a word spoken. There were people in and out, visiting here and there. Topher didn’t lift his head, well maybe to grab a drink of his root beer.

Today being Halloween, I believe it is the annual day for me to anonymously go out and play some good old fashion tricks on the unsuspecting. One individual that crossed into my dark side this morning is getting it for sure. Now where did I put that whipped cream?

* Using aliases to hide the identity of my poor criminals.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Just go to sleep!

Why is it, on a night when you know you are tired, that you know you have to get up early the next morning; this is the night that your mind seems to think it is time to conjure up stupid ideas, and plans, and to think of stupid things that you really don’t care about? Or is this just me?

I wanted to go to sleep so badly last night, but of course I just had to watch a show while I lay in bed fighting my eyelids not to drop. When the show was over I decided it was time to close the peepers and catch some z’s. Right, not likely now; now I begin to think about what happened yesterday. What I don’t want to do today and what I want for the New Year. What the crap! I don’t care right now, I want to sleep damn it. I tell myself to shut up, I beg myself to shut up, I say “shhhh just sleep now”. I try to soothe myself like I am a baby. Nothing, nope, I just roll around, and move the blankets, I’m hot, ok no now three minutes later I’m cold; maybe without the pillow, nah I want the pillow.

Finally, sweet Jesus I somehow fell asleep. Just in time for Oscar to call me and tell me he was almost home from his hockey game (keep in mind it is now 12:30, I work tomorrow and I am the type that needs sleep). I hang up the phone and hover between kind of asleep and kind of awake; Oscar comes in, after the dogs have their bark and freak out because they heard a noise episode; after which I tried to ignore but hello! Oscar comes up to our room to let me know he’s home (I think I have a clue!). Then he goes down stairs to do some computer stuff and watch his coveted sports high lights. I thrash and toss, and then my mind begins to wander again, and I scream inside, all I want is a good deep sleep damn it! That is all that I ask!

Oscar finally comes to bed about an hour later, his routine is to turn our bedroom t.v. on and re-watch all of the amazing footage and news from the days sporting events as he falls asleep. I immediately threw my pillow over my head so that he got the hint that I wasn’t asleep yet. So he was a sweetie and shut the t.v. off and got into bed. He apologized for waking me up, which I said was ok, because most of the time I do just go back to sleep but apparently last night just wasn’t my night. He then promptly begins snoring, which of course makes me madder than ever, I am laying here wide awake, he hit the pillow and is out for the count; oh, and by the way he is off tomorrow. I finally hear our clock hit 2:00 am, and think to myself, oh goodie, it’s two and I am still awake.

I woke up this morning, after hitting snooze two times (and Oscar didn’t move either time the alarm went off). I made it through the day barely, not to mention I just generally felt like I was hit by a truck.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Product tester

So I read the news every morning when I get to work, this morning an article caught my attention. A) Because it sounded stupid and B) I wondered who would do this, and then I took that thought back.

So this particular article said that Durex condoms are looking for 1,000 people to test their products and get back to the company. Of course my first thought was something along the lines of a new kind and they wanted to make sure they worked, “oh oops, sorry babe, this guy ripped right in half!”

Then I got reading further down, they are actually going to interview interested individuals. Applicants will be asked a series of questions to make sure they are a good fit for this dream job," the company said in a statement. Which I guess makes sense because there is going to be a line up as far as the eye can see. We know men; they will jump at the opportunity to even think about getting lucky.

“Questions include, 'How often do you use condoms? And, 'Why do you want to be a Durex condom tester?'” Oh my, I would love to read the answers to these questions! Who wouldn’t, these guys are going to come up with the most creative answers just so they can be picked. All the company is going to do is mail a bunch of different items out of their product line up, and then guys get to play away and then log onto a Durex site and explain their likes and dislikes.
I honestly have to say that this is really one of the weirdest things I have heard of, you hear of companies doing this sort of thing, I guess it was only a matter of time before the world of “product testing” reached into these waters.

The article goes on to say and I quote “To get the job, the company is looking, in particular, for creative responses to the question about why they want to be a condom tester” I dont even want to tell you the answers I have come up least for some of the guys I know.

I want to meet the dudes that came up with this idea. I can think of lots of other companies that should do this kind of marketing; I think it would be damned funny. Just think about it, “please use our hemorrhoid cream and then log into our system and tell us what was great about it and what your suggestions are!” or to send out like 3 different new flavours of toothpaste for people to try such as cyan flavoured for those who like a little spice, chocolate flavoured for the chocoholics and last but not least coffee flavoured toothpaste so you get your first shot of coffee first thing in the morning and right before you go to bed.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

My killer project

I love to paint, by this I mean, the walls in my house or other peoples houses; I think this comes from my love for interior design. People in the area hear that I went to school for interior design and they make the phone call to ask for my help. Yesterday I got to go help a local woman choose colors for her place, the major problem she was having is that she has the nice 80’s burgundy/orange/brown carpet. That was fun, she wants to get rid of the carpet but she can’t quite yet. Instead of getting paid, I get a free massage; no she isn’t just a strange woman wanting to do a massage in place of money. She is a masseuse, and a good one, so I am pumped free massage! Yah!

The next paint adventure that is ongoing for me is the whole “paint those ugly peach vertical blinds”. That is the project that I decided to start a few weeks ago; well this is the piddlyest paint job that has ever existed. I have something like 43 pieces to paint and I have to do two coats per side. I am doing this project out in our garage, so I have a paint sheet down and lay out about eight of these panel things down at a time and paint away. Not to mention that I work outside of the house for a living, so at the end of the day I get to park my jeep outside the garage, go in change and go paint for an hour or so; ya it is exactly what I want to do every day after work. Not.

Now I am not a messy painter, I hardly ever make a mess I don’t have rags laying around me; my clothes don’t really get dirty. I get a drip or a spot I shouldn’t have, I simply wipe with my finger and wipe it on my pants; that is the extent of my mess. Well this dorky project I have started (and I believe I have gone crazy because of it), well it is a somewhat messy job. Last night for example was a really good one, I somehow managed to get paint all over the bottoms of my feet; no please don’t ask me how, I haven’t even figured it out yet. Then there is the business of my hands, I had white hands, just think albino. It was rather funny, but I don’t like being covered in paint, I suppose if I had continued working any longer I would have had paint in my hair and on my face, thank God I am using water base paint.

I am looking for someone, anyone….anything that wants to come out and paint about 25 more panels for me. I don’t think Oscar would think its cool or funny of I leave just a few white panels hanging from the rod and chucked the rest out the door; which I am getting very close to doing. I paint for about an hour an evening, and then clean the mess; I am sitting very close to the edge, very very close.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Request hour

I was sitting at my desk today minding my own business listening to the radio. It was the call in request hour or whatever the station does; some idiot called in and wanted to listen to one of the worst songs in the world that is played over and over on Halloween, the Monster Mash. I would rather pull my hair out one strand at a time then listen to this song, I can’t stand it, and I honestly steer far away from the radio on October 31st.

Today’s post doesn’t have a whole lot to do with me; it does have a lot to do with the people that live in my area and the local radio stations. We happen to have a Hutterite colony near our town, they love to call into the radio request hours and choose songs, and chat away with the DJ. First of all, no one can really understand them and second of all, I cannot get over some of the songs they request.

If you don’t know what a Hutterite is here is a quick little explanation; they live on their own colony. They go to town in whatever vehicle the colony owns; the higher up men can have a cell phone. They speak German, and they have to make their own clothes and the women wear dresses and were a black bonnet/bun cover thing on their head. The men wear black pants, suspenders and collared shirts. They make a bit of money by selling pies, chickens etc to the outside community. The colonies that have more money have more things, such as a nicer vehicle, power, televisions etc. The colony near our town is one of the poorer ones.
Just today right after the Monster Mash was on, a lovely Hutterite gentleman called in and requested Weak in the Knees – Serena Ryder for one of the other guys because this other guy is frustrated today. So I am assuming that his love interest isn’t so interested, maybe she is in love with his brother, who really knows. What I do know is that I laughed and laughed, you don’t understand how often they call in to request songs or just to talk, they love the idea of being on the radio, and it’s like their five minutes of fame. I never actually pay attention to any of it; well mostly because I have my own tunes on, but today I just decided to do the radio thing, I am quite happy I did.

A while back when I listened to the radio one of the Hutterite men called in and requested Madonna; I really actually wonder how they know so much music, they obviously listen to the radio all the time, but come on 80’s Madonna tunes?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The perfect Costume?

The Halloween party at the local watering hole will be held next weekend, most of the people that attend enjoy dressing up for the evening; to pretend they are someone or something else, and to have some wobbly pops and run around like they are 10, and I am hoping that 10 year olds don’t drink wobbly pops, just pops.

Oscar and I haven’t been to the party the last few years, we are however thinking about going this year. We have never dressed up for the event either, and for some reason my lovely husband is all over the idea of putting on a costume this year. He has never wanted to do this before, so I am kind of wondering what he is thinking, maybe there is an ulterior motive going on here; I’m just not really sure what it is. Perhaps he has decided to finally let that long time forgotten fantasy to dress up as a butterfly again like he did when he was little out of the bag. Don’t get me wrong, I would gladly help him dress up into any costume he chooses, if it is a weirdly girly costume like this butterfly thing from his past; which he would kill me for mentioning on here, but it’s too late now. I will have to find a manly, boyish costume for myself, not that I want to but something has to be done to balance out the girlyness.

If I am going to dress up, which I haven’t even decided on yet, I was thinking about something funny, perhaps a pregnant nun, or a headless person, or the grim reaper. I know the grim reaper isn’t all that original, but I am grabbing at straws here; and if I want to decide on my costume I need a little time to build the costume. The headless outfit is one I did when I was younger, so I would have to get on it, and make a paper Mache head and built the shirt. I think it would be sweet, then no one would know who you are; that is my favourite part, when people try to figure you out.

Friends of mine went as blow up dolls last year or the year before, I wasn’t there to see it, but my gosh were the outfits creepy when I saw pictures, imagine it if you will, rubber suits with a blow up valve at the belly button, and a mask thing with no facial expression and a ummm well open mouth shall we say. Yep pretty darn weird if you ask me.
Who comes up with some of the costumes you can buy? Seriously, I have been looking around, and geesh there is everything from being a chick magnet, to a body bag, really. If you Google Halloween costumes you should see all the junk that comes up, there are some really good ones among the muck though.

Here comes Halloween, my favourite time of year!!! Bwahahahahaha

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Butt Massage

So, we worked outside in our back yard on Saturday, yes I know you are thinking “so what? Everyone works in their yard.” Well ya you are right, but our back yard is a disaster and I’m going to tell you why.

I was a brianiac and informed my husband that we were going to rip these bushes out in our back yard. That’s all fine and dandy to begin with, this project was spear headed in May, I believe, and we have now reached mid October so that puts us at a good six months. This project should have only really taken about a month or so all total, but no we had to stretch this baby out until next year at the earliest.

We tried to rip these ginourmous bushes out with our little tractor, yes people there are different sizes of tractors, get with the program here. Our poor little guy just couldn’t stand up to the massive bush I was determined to get rid of, so we borrowed the tractor that Oscar recently broke. We were successful in the removal, and by removal I mean tearing these ill-fated bushes out by the roots.

We then neatly piled and stacked these bushes around the back yard in piles of all sorts of shapes and sizes; the next job on the list was to remove the bushes and Rota-till the said area. Well, we don’t look out into our back yard that much so the mess just got worse, grass grew high around our tree piles and lawn chairs also disappeared into the jungle, as well as our hot tub that we don’t use in the summer, you honestly could not see it, we weren’t even sure if it was still there.

We had a beautiful weekend come up so we decided that now, right now, not three months ago when the weather was spectacular and the days longer; no, now was the time to try to deal with this chaos before the snow came and if the snow came now we would be really screwed. Oscar warmed up the little tractor, because it can handle the hauling of these exquisite tree branches and such. We both got to load piles and piles of branches and garbage into the bucket of our tractor, and take breaks to sip our warm coffee (doesn’t this sound like a romantic weekend project, yup that’s what I though). Some of the items we found out back were things we have never seen and they somehow made it into our back 40 from who knows where.

I then had to clip grass from around our hot tub, and I discovered that we actually have a sidewalk around the hot tub, I had almost forgotten about it with the jumble that we created back there. I then moved onto trying to rip some of the roots that are still in the ground from the gargantuan bushes, I really didn’t have much luck, those babies are miles into the ground, well maybe not but it feels that way anyhow. No I didn’t have one of those blooper moments when the person pulls and pulls so hard that they then either poops their pants or go flying backwards into an awkward position at which time they poop their pants; no I wasn’t that lucky.

We are still not done back there; there are still two more piles to move, and the Rota-tilling to do. I’m not sure if we are going to get ‘er done before the snow flies, and I don’t know if my back, and legs, and arms, and buttocks can handle the burden. My body is so sore, no no; I don’t think you understand my pain. Today at work I could not sit to long, or stand to long, or walk around to much or anything else for that matter, I have pain in my left butt cheek and down my leg, I believe it is from the tug of war I was playing with those root thinger-ma-jiggers. I just want to lie in the hot bath tub, sleep in the hot bath tub, and perhaps have a lovely bum massage. Anyone up to the challenge?

Monday, October 15, 2007

Shake that body

Has anyone ever played a Wii? Holy crap is it hilarious, I mean to play at first you feel like an idiot; but after that you get really competitive. Now to sit back and watch others play is really actually hilarious beyond control!

We were at my parent’s house, and they just happen to have a Wii. Oscar and Dad decided to do a little boxing; those two were out of breath and sweating after a few rounds. Oh and be careful, you don’t want to sit anywhere in the vicinity of where they are jumping around; you just might get a knuckle sandwich yourself. You want to steer very clear of the erratic body movements. I actually think on the disk that comes with the machine, the best game to watch others play is the boxing.

Of course I have not been crazy enough to try and play this game, I have done the golfing and the bowling; those ones are fun, at least you don’t look totally stupid out there. What does get me is the graphics on these games. When you play baseball, the other players on the field have no legs, not to mention that your own players have no arms just some little circles.

When we left my Mom and Dads house the other night Oscar did manage to drive us all the way home, but by time we got home he dropped into bed and slept like a baby. I told everyone that the next time we go play Wii I will be bringing our video camera over to tape everyone playing. I mean who doesn’t want to see themselves looking like an idiot on tv? I’m pretty sure I would love to laugh at myself!

Oscar is itching to go boxing again, oh its gonna be funny, I will take pictures of it, and post for all to see!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Are we insane?

So my husband has decided that we will be going to Mexico in May; Yes, May. He is not crazy just so everyone knows, ok that is a lie. He is somewhat crazy, but not about this whole trip business. I wasn’t sure we should go; I mean it is May for heavens sake! I figured though after 5 minutes of thinking really really hard that who doesn’t want to go to Mexico or anywhere nice for that matter, especially when it’s kinda chilly but getting nice here at home? By time we get home it will be shorts weather, so really it will be a nice transition. That and if Oscars sister and husband can haul their 3 month old down there then I guess we can haul ourselves down there, no matter what our future holds.

So the whole reason we are all heading down to Mexico (hotter than we can imagine hell would be like for the month of May), is because Oscars cousin that moved to Mexico just over a year ago is going to get married down there. No she didn’t meet her man down there; he moved down with her, he is a Canuck as well. So they are getting married around the time that is convenient for them, a little weird time for the rest of us.

So I guess it is time to book holidays for the spring of 2008, I feel weird doing that. I feel like I should be booking time off in the dead of winter, to get away from the -30 C to the lovely hot weather of the south.

So are we partly insane....I think so.

Friday, October 12, 2007

I am a wimp

Ok, I am going to tell the world that I hate going to the doctor, I know that I am not alone on this, which is why they have even come up with “white coat syndrome”. I may in fact fit under this umbrella; no I’m actually pretty sure I do.

When I get my “It’s time for a check up” postcards in the mail, I stick it into my day planner and I keep moving it back a few days whenever I finally reach it. It can take me weeks to book things. Dentist is not so bad, I actually enjoy a good cleaning, but I still put that off for a good two to three weeks. Optometrist I can put off for months, I actually have succeeded in pushing it off for three or four months, I don’t actually even remember when the card came in the mail. I wear contacts, so I eventually can’t keep running; they won’t fill my prescription unless I come in for my yearly check up. I just worked up the courage to make that call today. I had the old butterflies and turning stomach while I waited for someone to pick up the phone, so yes it is ok, you can call me a big baby I can handle it.

The worst for me is the regular old doctor, I will hold off going forever if I could. Even though I am pretty comfortable with my doctor, I really like her, I still hate going. I make Oscar book those appointments for me, because if he didn’t I never would; is that not hilarious or what? I have to go for a follow up appointment with a different doctor, that I don’t know and I have been putting that off too. So I finally gave in and asked Oscar to make the call. I know in my head that this is really all foolish; I mean really, I have been in the hospital three times in the past year, not to mention specialist appointments, tests, and a lot of blood work. I didn’t book any of the appointments and tests I had, thank goodness, because I just wouldn’t have done it.
I don’t recall ever having a traumatic moment in the doctor’s office, no crazy lunatic telling me that I had a third arm growing out of my back (which I don’t by the way); there is just the regular poking and prodding as if you were the Pillsbury dough boy. I guess sometimes at the dentist, needles and stuff hurt; I go all tense and straight as a board for the entire show. At the eye doctor maybe I am a little scared that my eyes are worse and he’s gonna make me wear my glasses (when hell freezes over buddy); my optometrist is actually pretty funny, you must have a joke to tell him when you go in, and he will tell you one, who doesn’t like that? As for the doctor, I am not a touchy person, and I really don’t want someone I barely know touching me, or to be telling them about my weird things, you know like the big hairy mole on the back of my leg, or my third nipple; which I don’t have either of, don’t worry.

Who really wants to be a doctor in all honesty, who enjoys touching sick people? Who enjoys touching a strangers bajonggas and vajaja, or up other places, eh-hemm. Who wants to look in someone else’s icky slobber filled mouth? Yuck

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Duke it Out

Last night on the slow moving trip with the before mentioned farm machinery, Oscar and I actually had some pleasant conversation (I guess I must have been in a chatty mood). Just as we pulled out onto the highway a truck passed us; I said “is that….?” And Oscar replied “yep”, and then I said “I can’t remember his first name.” Oscar really must not have been listening to me because he just nonchalantly said “ya”.

Once we got home from the great trip, which included my husband taking me out for an amazing meal at McDonalds, I was getting ready to go to bed, and I called down the stairs to Oscar and told him that I remembered the guy’s name. Oscar got all confused and said he didn’t remember what I was talking about, that person never passed us on the road, blaa blaa blaa. He then figures that I was so wrong, and crazy, maybe that my cheese had slid off my cracker even. He decided that I must have gotten today mixed up with three days ago. You know what; I may sometimes be a little wacko, but not today. Honestly how does someone get three hours ago mixed up with thee days ago?

Three days ago I went to town with my Dad to pick up a few things for Mom for Thanksgiving, so Oscar decides to call Dad, just to prove a point, he figured that Dad and I talked about this individual on Saturday. So my Dad is really the crazy one of the family and he was pretty sure that we did in fact talk about this person of interest on Saturday. By the way Dad, we did not talk about him, maybe we talked about his daughter, but I highly doubt that too.

Oscar comes screaming into the bathroom pumping his arms in the air like he has just won some sort of competition, which he has not, and by the way there was no competition. He goes on and on about how I got my lines crossed and how I mixed today up with Saturday. He is so excited that I was wrong and he wasn’t, so I got really mad and told him exactly where this conversation of ours (Oscars and mine) occurred, and exactly what happened and the color of the truck etc. He is still so confident that I had no idea what I was talking about that I kept getting more and more upset. All of a sudden he blurts out “That isn’t Dons truck, he drives a whatever colour Chevy not a white Dodge, that truck is Philbert Physter from Tuktyuktuks truck”. So there it is; I thought that this truck was someone else’s and it started this huge heated argument. He still however walked around the house all smug thinking that I am so wrong and he is so right. I guess that is what women have to deal with, knowing in our minds that we are always right, and men, well they just think they are right.

Wouldn’t you have loved to be a fly on the wall for that one? A hugeo mungo, full blown, all out fight over someone’s truck, and a discussion that apparently my husband was not really part of and I thought he was, along with his confirmation from my foolish Dad that we did in fact (which we did not) talk about Don on the weekend. I had a headache by time I went to bed, and this morning I am killing myself laughing over the entire thing.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

disking anyone?

We live on a farm, but we don’t actually farm. We rent out the land to our neighbor who farms the land; still with me? Two winters ago we had a crap load of trees pushed because they were dead, let me emphasize that there were a lot of them. I know, tree huggers are mad, but this will help feed the worlds population in the long run I promise, that and I don’t know if you were listening but the trees were dead, D-E-A-D. Which means they were doing nothing, just kindling standing in bunches out in the field. The trees were ripped out, and piled neatly; we then lit them on fire, which if you have never seen a brush fire, is an amazing, huge unimaginable pile of fire, scary even. After the fires were out and there were only smoldering ashes left, we buried them. It sat like this for a year, or now almost two years I guess. Are you bored yet?

Now, we have decided to break up this land by disking it. This is where the story gets good, well it’s really actually boring. We are not farmers remember, so we had to borrow Oscar’s parents’ tractor, and rent this behemoth contraption called a disker. Next we have to haul it down the highway, which is an adventure in itself. Now no one knows the actual truth about Oscar; I am married to the worlds biggest worrier, no jokes I am totally serious. We have to haul this thing down the highway, at about 50 km an hour; this thing is bigger than our side of the highway. Oscar talked for the entire trip home, which was over an hour my friends. I am not a chatty person, and incestuous talking drives me up the wall, and I was lucky enough to marry a very talkative individual. Add that to the fact that he is a worry wart along with a huge piece of farm machinery, and the highway. You have yourself a very fun trip, I am not lying. Ok yes I am lying, big time.

By the time we got home I ran, as fast as I could up to the house, I locked the doors and hid. Thank goodness he had to stay outside and hook this thing up to the tractor and go for a few rounds with his dad in the field; it was heaven, complete silence. Oscar’s dad was great, he would drive that thing all day, and then Oscar would get home from work and go out in the tractor. My dear husband does not like to work alone, he must have someone with him at all times, I think it is partly to prove he is actually working, the other part is because he needs someone to talk to 24 hours a day. He kept begging me to come out and ride with him for a “little bit”. I finally got tired of his begging, and because I love him, I decided to walk out to the field two nights in a row to ride with him. Around and around and around the field, breaking up dirt; not to mention that I had to walk through quite a bit of this fresh broken dirt to get to him, which of course filled my shoes with lovely black soil. I would like to now tell you that I would rather walk through a plain old stubble field any day than fresh dirt; I never thought I would say that. We would stay out there until about 10:00 or so and then Oscars dad would come out and go most of the night; then repeat, I believe we did this for three or four days/nights.

Now I am so very lucky again, I get to go with my charming husband this evening to return this gigantic thing to its owner. This is partly because we, (and by this I mean Oscar I just happened to be in the tractor at the time); broke the tractor last night, yep it was a lot of fun, only because we got to walk all the way across the field to where I parked my jeep. It was pitch black, we had a crappy flashlight, and we live where there are coyotes and the like. I got to fill my shoes with dirt again for the third time this weekend; you don’t know how bad I wanted a hot bath.

Isn’t it great what we will do for those we love? Now I need to think of something I can make Oscar do for me, oh I have just the thing. I am going to dare him not to talk for our whole drive tonight, I know he can’t do it, it is his mission impossible.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

A few ideas...

I recently receive one of those lovely forwarded e-mails that jam pack my work e-mail on a daily basis, and this one in particular caught my attention; it is new rules for the year. I thought the list was quite funny, and it has peaked my interests. I now think it is time to write my own list, only I we should wait until January to implement it, given that it is already October.

1. If you are going to try to be a sneak and eat chocolate when no one is looking, the best place to do this is in your vehicle. Don’t forget to dispose of the evidence before you get home, or at least before anyone gets into your vehicle and sees the Mount Everest of discarded Hershey and Twix wrappers on the passenger floor.

2. If you want to have a relaxing bath or simply an escape from the people in your house by retreating to the bathroom, lock the door! Then the only way that they can try to get your attention is my knocking incessantly on the door. This is easily avoided if you have an ipod or other noise maker to drown out the sound.

3. If you have files on your computer you do not want your husband or anyone else to read, simply make a file on the desktop and name it something like “household chores” or “monthly female issues”. No one will touch it; no one will want to even come close to it.

4. When someone asks you a stupid question, don’t just let them get away with it by smiling and thinking all the good things you would say in your head. Answer them with an equally dumb remark or something that has nothing to do with their question. You will then walk away leaving them hopelessly lost and perplexed.

5. Find a very unusual saying that you can use on a daily basis to the people around you. For example when someone asks you how you are you reply with “Fine as frogs fur” or when your kids tell you they are bored or someone at work asks you what you want them to do tell them to “Pick fly shiznit out of pepper with a boxing glove” or even better yet, I think I will be using this one; “Today I’m slower than a turtle running through peanut butter”.

6. Since people are making registries for everything now days, I propose that you should go out and register at a really awkward store; title it something like “My completion of hair removal”. Next mail out the registries cards that everyone loves to get, sit back and wait for the phone calls.

7. When people you hardly know ask you personal questions, don’t give them an answer, instead ask them a personal question. I bet they will never bug you again.

My rules to follow for 2008, let me see your list.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Gobble Gobble

Long weekend! Well for Canadians anyway, it is Thanksgiving this weekend, which means for us, we have to plan around two meals. Both of our families are here, which is great, most of the time. For the holidays, it’s something completely different. Our families are actually pretty good; they ask us when the other side is having their meal, so we are the go between. In theory it sounds excellent, but in reality, it is a head spinning experience. We get to do this every Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, not to mention that birthdays usually fit into this category also. I have begun to lose all interest in the holidays, partly because we plan who has what meal and when and how we will make it to both, then we run all day, trying to make sure we don’t spend more time with your family or mine, because that becomes a source of tension later. It is even worse when Oscar has to work on the holidays, so both meals have to be somewhat later in the day.

What I would honestly like, is for me to lie around the house, and to have both meals delivered to me. No mess no worry, no planning, oh in a perfect world right? The next problem is with Christmas in particular, because both of our families celebrate it on Christmas Day, so it is extra stressful. Open presents at that house, go to the next one and do gifts there, home to change most of the time and then to one or the other for dinner, then back to that one for supper. Not only that, but Oscar doesn’t understand the idea of moderation when it comes to a big turkey dinner; He will eat a heaping plate of food at one place, and don’t forget dessert! Then we will head off to the next house where he will eat another heaping plate of food, with dessert. Once he is done eating no one should walk within a 5’ radius of him, he will groan and complain that he thinks he will blow up. Come on, we have been together for over six years, you would think he would learn his lesson by now, nope; and to make this even worse, the dork somehow manages to lose weight after all of this. If anyone else in the world was to eat that way they would gain a good ten pounds, not him.

For his family, they only have all of the holidays with his Moms side, so things are fairly relaxed and nice. Same with my side, the holidays are celebrated with my Mom’s side so things are nice and relaxed…for everyone else that is.

Have a great gobble gobble weekend fellow Canadians, to the Americans…you will have turkey soon enough.

Thursday, October 4, 2007


Caution! When you know that you have a very hot liquid in your hand, which is meant to be drunk, let the blasted thing cool down first. I had a fantastic hot chocolate on Sunday evening before we headed to the movie. The movie by the way was The Kingdom and it was a very good movie, I want to go again.

OK back to my story, Oscar was a goober and ordered an extra large; I was somewhat smart and ordered a medium. We got these drinks #1, because they are yummy #2 because we were early to town for the movie. So we get these very hot drinks and have to drink them fairly quickly because you can’t take them into the movie. Oscar somehow drank his without burning his mouth, so apparently he has a tongue made of heat proof something or other. That or his hot chocolate was lukewarm, which I highly doubt. I on the other hand am a normal human being, and I was trying to drink my hot chocolate as fast as I could, keep in mind that mine is half the size of his. Oh yes you guessed it right, I burned the crap out of my tongue. At first it only felt numb, the next day a bit sore, and now today, it hurts to talk, it hurts to eat, it just friggin well hurts. So a word of the wise from someone who has experienced this horrific tragedy let it cool down first.

That is all I have for you today.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I must make a confession

I am a music fiend, I must have music on during all of my waking hours, at work it’s the radio, or else I hook up my ipod which is my best friend in the whole world. On the way home from work it is something from my masive CD collection, or my beloved ipod. At home I either have itunes blaring or the music channels on the TV. If Oscar is home doing his thing (watching TV) I wear my ipod around the house, he of course gets mad at me because he’s yelling at me to come talk to him, and I can’t hear him. Which I have to admit is very nice, I love not being able to hear the outside world, nothing but my songs and my inner voice belting out the tunes (ok, yes I do belt the song out….out loud that is).

If you were to see my play list you might think I was one of those people with multiple personalities. I pretty much have any kind of music you can think of. When I find a new song that I absolutely love, I play it over, and over, and over. My Dad used to freak out, “cant you play any other song?”, so now that I can play my music over and over and not bother any one I play my one tune until I have all of the words memorized and I can sing the song without actually playing it. Yep you can call me a weirdo, I know it. All of the songs that I have ever been in love with, you can bet that I know all of the words.

Right now I am having a love affair with three songs in particular. These songs are; Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood, Stupid Boy – Keith Urban and Big Girls Don’t Cry – Fergie. So at this very moment I am playing all three of these songs in any order, at least a dozen times throughout the day. I will interject this with the odd other song, but then I get an overwhelming craving for one of these songs. Once the love affair is over, they will move into the general play list and then there will be others, others that I will fall for. For example the last song that I was in love with was Weak In the Knees – Serena Ryder, it has moved into the general play list, but I still play it a little more often than other songs. Today I was playing the odd song in between and I was letting the ipod make the decisions, it pleasantly surprised me with an old favorite from way back when I was about 6. When You Were Mine - Cyndi Lauper, it was sweet.

Some people might wonder where I got this music obsession from. Well I grew up in a house where music was always on, always. In fact when I was just a little girl, a very cute sweet little girl with pigtails Dad taught me how to rock out on the air guitar. I am pretty sure I can kick anyone’s butt in an air guitar competition. I almost entered myself in the world air guitar competition (yes there really is one).

I would go to any concert you ask me to go to, let me repeat that ANY. I have been to concerts from Aerosmith, Greenday, Shania Twain....the list goes on. There is however one band that I must must must see, I absolutely have to see U2. I will sell my husband to go see them, I would buy him back when I get back, I promise; but I want to see them so bad.

If we having a money tight month, where I either have the choice of buying the essentials like milk and bread, I would rather download songs. I am so not lying, Oscar comes home from work on weekends, and hears me playing a new song and he says “you downloaded another song?” Maybe I need help, I don’t know, but maybe this is my bad habit. Other people smoke or gamble, I down load music.

I have no musical talent of my own; I cannot play a musical instrument, even if my life depended on it. Oh that is a lie, I can play Mary had a little lamb on the piano, that is the total extent of my musical talent. I don’t even have a singing voice, well I think I have an amazing singing voice, but others don’t seem to agree. Oscar loves to ask me “Who sings this song?” I always tell him I do, because if you fall for the question and tell him the actual singer or band, he will tell you “well why don’t you let them sing it”. Oh I am so much smarter than falling for that babe.