I recently receive one of those lovely forwarded e-mails that jam pack my work e-mail on a daily basis, and this one in particular caught my attention; it is new rules for the year. I thought the list was quite funny, and it has peaked my interests. I now think it is time to write my own list, only I we should wait until January to implement it, given that it is already October.
1. If you are going to try to be a sneak and eat chocolate when no one is looking, the best place to do this is in your vehicle. Don’t forget to dispose of the evidence before you get home, or at least before anyone gets into your vehicle and sees the Mount Everest of discarded Hershey and Twix wrappers on the passenger floor.
2. If you want to have a relaxing bath or simply an escape from the people in your house by retreating to the bathroom, lock the door! Then the only way that they can try to get your attention is my knocking incessantly on the door. This is easily avoided if you have an ipod or other noise maker to drown out the sound.
3. If you have files on your computer you do not want your husband or anyone else to read, simply make a file on the desktop and name it something like “household chores” or “monthly female issues”. No one will touch it; no one will want to even come close to it.
4. When someone asks you a stupid question, don’t just let them get away with it by smiling and thinking all the good things you would say in your head. Answer them with an equally dumb remark or something that has nothing to do with their question. You will then walk away leaving them hopelessly lost and perplexed.
5. Find a very unusual saying that you can use on a daily basis to the people around you. For example when someone asks you how you are you reply with “Fine as frogs fur” or when your kids tell you they are bored or someone at work asks you what you want them to do tell them to “Pick fly shiznit out of pepper with a boxing glove” or even better yet, I think I will be using this one; “Today I’m slower than a turtle running through peanut butter”.
6. Since people are making registries for everything now days, I propose that you should go out and register at a really awkward store; title it something like “My completion of hair removal”. Next mail out the registries cards that everyone loves to get, sit back and wait for the phone calls.
7. When people you hardly know ask you personal questions, don’t give them an answer, instead ask them a personal question. I bet they will never bug you again.