Friday, September 28, 2007

My current 5 step program

Some people may or may not know that Oscar and I recently had a miscarriage. Actually it was a month ago, but really to me it doesn’t feel like a month ago.

Women are funny creatures, when something bad happens to us; we cry our faces off at the drop of a hat. You should have seen me in the weeks following, and to be honest when people close to me try to be soothing still, I blubber.

I am pretty much past the cry at everything phase, I have moved onto the deep seated anger at pregnant women phase. I am not sure if there is a 5 step “program” to go through before a person sees the end of the tunnel, but I am going to invent one. Some women may find that they are a combination of two or more of these, as I find myself in between a few also.

1. The non-stop crying and the feeling that you just lost the most important thing in the world. Everyone is different, some of us will cry our waterworks dry within a week, or maybe two; others will cry for months on end. Most of us will get upset even when we see commercials about peeing on pregnancy tests. Are our brains and thoughts out on vacation? You can bet your patutee they are out on vacay, they figure “this chick has lost it, I’m outta here!” They don’t return for at least two to three weeks.

2. Then you don’t want to leave the house, or see other humans. The only reasons you do actually leave the house is to go to and from work, and possibly go to places where the chance of seeing someone you know (particularly some one that knows) is somewhere between slim and none. You also make every effort to steer clear of places with those blissful &%#* pregnant women. I know it sounds harsh, you are really happy for them you are just ticked that you are not one of them.

3. From there we move into the next phase, we feel angry at most or all pregnant women. We also feel the bitter bug and big old green eyes when we see women that are walking around with brand spanking new babies. We feel this way because we are not sure if they have ever felt this pain, or if they were just merrily set on their pregnant way, and they are so friggin gleeful just wandering around with perma-smiles slapped on their faces! Ok here we go again, really we are happy for them, when we rationalize with ourselves we realize that it is lovely that some women never have to go through this, we are just mad at what happened. At the back of our minds we are still counting the clock at how many weeks we would be at this point. We cant help it, its that inner "clock" they always talk about. If we had our way we would take it out, chuck it across the room and then stomp on it.

4. Now we go to the "where in the world is she?" phase. We ask ourselves why is this torturing me? I want to get on with it; I just want to feel like I am allowed to want to try! While we are in this step quite a bit of our rationale steps out the door. Our brains contemplate taking another vacation; we begin questioning and bargaining with the powers that be, along with trying to make deals with our bodies. We are anxious and growly again, but then again when haven’t we been on this lovely journey?? Some of us just want to move away to paradise, and never think of this again. Doesn't a cabana boy and a lot of cervezas sound lovely at this point?

5. The last step “Yay, I can try again” phase, this one is tricky. Some women are gung-ho about the whole thing, others have reservations about it. Do I or don’t I? What if it happens again? How will I handle this? Will I be a mess? Am I supposed to, or was this all a sign? The questions go on and on, some of these questions have been floating around our heads all along, others are new and just popping out of the woodwork. Thank goodness our husbands and other halves are starting to see some sunlight. They have been on a sort of roller coaster with you, not quite the same one, but they have been on their own ride.

Oscar’s sister, my lovely sister in law, which I am very lucky to have. She is the most caring and understanding person on the entire planet....is pregnant, Rachel and her husband are expecting their first in February. She has been a doll and given me miles of space, which I am very thankful for, if I had my way I would see her and only be able to see her from the neck up, no joke. I just want one too for crying out spanking loud!!!

1 comment:

Marie said...

You have my deepest sympathy and understanding--I've been there. I wish I could say that it was only 5-steps... but the "what ifs" never seem to end. And miscarriage is not something that is dealt with much in our world--many women have them, no one really knows much about it or how to react.

It helped me to stay busy, to roam constantly. Two years later, it still does.

And yes, I am still somewhat pained at the sight of young children.

Try again! I have a friend who had two miscarriages but the third time was the charm.