seizure fun

So I had another seizure, I was going through my pregnancy thinking everything was ok on that front at least, and it sure as a hell isn’t ok there. My medication is being metabolized a lot quicker than normal and I have a heck of a lot more blood in my system; so now I am so freaked and worried over having to take more medication and having to have my levels checked. I am freaking out about what my medications could do to my child even. Tell you what, the internet is a scary place when you want to find information, I am finding out that I could possibly give my baby a cleft palate and if I’m not taking enough folic acid I could cause the poor thing spina bifida. What was I thinking, imagining that I could have a child while on my seizure medication? My Neurologist put me on this kind and told me it was the best one if I planned on having a family, but I feel as if I really shouldn’t be allowed to have kids; I am screwed up, my health isn’t really all there, so why would I play Russian roulette with a life? I should not have even thought about having a family. Maybe I should have let my husband move on and have a healthy family with someone else, because who knows if our family will be healthy? I can only hope that the only “problems” my children have are family traits you know, like goofy sense of humour, funny ears and the weirdness required to want to stand between two goalie posts…..that sort of thing.

Let me tell you what, I have had one stressful year and a half, I just want it to calm down and go with the flow…..I need my life off I think.