I would like thank the academy

I would like to take a moment to thank all of my friends and family for sending me all the forwarded e-mails over the year(s).

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel on every envelope that needs sealing. I now also have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, some of them very hot men with angel wings attached, others cutesy little cartoon angels.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a bag of garbage that has been sitting out on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes; otherwise I will be bound to hell for 6 years.

Because of my loving friends concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the Jeep so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. Heaven forbid I fill my vehicle up in the dark, the boogie man bay snatch me.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me (no matter though I have no money left, cause I gave it to that forever dying girl).

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my behind.

And thanks to my Aunts great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

One more; thanks to my Mom today, and about five other friends in the past few years who have sent me the warning about a gang game coming across Canada. This is about the third time this “initiation game” that they play on the highways late at night has made it to our province. Just so you all know I will now drive everywhere with only my high beams on, sorry everyone!